Stupid Resume = Job Interview

After months of temping, I returned to the job search. I spent the past two weeks sending out professional resumes and nary a nibble. As an act of self-therapy, I wrote up a completely unprofessional resume. Glib and dripping with sarcasm, it felt so good to write that I figured I’d send a few out.

A day later I got a call from one of the companies asking for an interview. What the hell? Seriously? Maybe I should have spent the past two years sending out ridiculous resumes instead of professional ones. You can read the resume I sent below.

RYAN NICKUM

B.A. in Political Science, 2002
Dean’s List… once
University of Washington, Seattle WA

SKILL SUMMARY
• Ability to think outside the box. I refuse to be walled in.
• Result orientated? Results are my orientation
• Self-motivated. No external motivation necessary
• Familiar with whatever it is that you do
• Due to my status as a happily married man, you won’t have to worry about me engaging in any regrettable office romances.
• Quick to Learn… like a super computer on steroids.
• Problems solving? Consider your problems solved. Period.
• Computer: Microsoft Office, Raiser’s Edge, FIMS, GrantsGE, Xcelys, Adaptis, Sega Genesis—primarily Street Fighter II and Ms. Pac Man.
• Georgian Language. As in the Republic of Georgia. I will impress your clients/customers with a language spoken by only 5 million people in the entire world. It’s way cooler than Spanish or Chinese.

PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE

The Lewiston Morning Tribune Jan. 2001 – Sept. 2001
Newspaper Journalist; Lewiston, Idaho
• While the name of the paper suggests otherwise, there is no other newspaper in Lewiston. There is no Evening Tribune. It’s just a catchy name.
• Originally hired as an intern to cover the 2001 Washington State legislative session, I so impressed my superiors that they hired me to be a full-time reporter in Lewiston. I hadn’t even graduated college yet. This should impress you.
• Wrote daily newspaper articles while covering city and county government, state and federal agencies, local congressional representatives, and the Nez Perce Tribe. I also interviewed irate ranchers, rural cops proudly uncovering meth labs, and the nutty folks who attend city council hearings to rant about UFOs and government mind control.
• Following an interview with a congressman about Cuban trade policy, I was able to get in a few follow up questions while we stood side-by-side at the urinal trough. That’s thorough reporting.
• Every new reporter has to cover the county fair. Most people dread it because it’s the sappy human-interest stories that nobody wants to write. Thanks to my interview with a young girl and her prize donkey, I drew rave reviews from my superiors and the public. People stopped me on the street to tell me they loved my writing. They also loved my story about the “miracle tree,” a Christmas tree that was still green and decorated six months after Christmas. A classic.
• I retired after 8 months to return to the University of Washington. I thought not having a college degree would hinder my professional future. That turned out to be a mistake. I should have stayed in Idaho in hopes of being poached by a newspaper in a bigger market, preferably not in Idaho.

Freelance Writing Dec. 2008 – present
• Wrote and recorded two podcasts for the popular outdoor-adventure website The Dirtbag Diaries.
o http://www.dirtbagdiaries.com/bedtime_stories_for_wanderers
o http://www.dirtbagdiaries.com/the_adventures_of_beansprout
• Write all content for the humor/history website This Day In Bald History.
o http://www.thisdayinbaldhistory.com

The Daily (Univ. of Washington Student Paper) Aug. 1999 – Jan. 2002
Reporter, Special Edition Editor; Seattle, Washington
• Wrote daily articles and editorials on university and community issues.
• My story, Sex Talk With Ralph Nader, was particularly popular.
• Edited the Restaurant & Bar issue.

Community Health Plan of Washington Feb. 2010 – present
Office Temp; Seattle, WA (Temporary)
• Data entry. I enter the correct data. I populate the correct fields with the requisite data.
• Met and exceeded all goals that were assigned to me. Received the occasional compliment from superiors. I secretly cherished the acknowledgement. My sense of self-worth is shaped by my ability to please others. It’s a fault you could exploit if you employed me.

United States Peace Corps June 2006 – July 2008
Peace Corps Education Volunteer, English Teacher and Teacher Trainer; Baghdati, Republic of Georgia
• Taught English in grades 3-12 in a rural school in the Republic of Georgia. Doled out stickers to students as bribes to get them to do their homework.
• Trained teachers in Western teaching-methodology in a rural school. Did not participate in the twisting of students’ ears as punishment..
• Narrowly missed the invading Russian army by two weeks. I regret that they razed and pillaged the village I did my training in.
• I was an influential force of good in Georgia, but I’m particularly proud of rescuing a street mutt from mean streets of Baghdati and bringing her back to America where she can live out her days in freedom. Some people call me a hero. I do not argue with them.

The Law Offices of George C. Nickum, Jr.
Nov. 2008 – Jan. 2010
Investigator, Legal Researcher, Process Server; Bainbridge Island, (Contract)
• You may have noticed the last name of the attorney is the same as mine. That’s because he’s my dad. My mom is his secretary. We keep it in the family.
• Attorney-client privilege keeps me from discussing the specifics, but I can say that if you cross my dad’s clients you can expect me arriving at your door with a summons. If I have to pretend to be some schmuck looking for his lost dog in order to get you to answer the door, I will do it. I will camp out in front of your house in my car and wait for you to come home from work. I have crossword puzzles to ward off boredom. I can stay all night if necessary.
• I will search through court records to find evidence of your prior convictions for methamphetamine possession and prostitution to bolster our case. George C. Nickum, Attorney at Law, will not be defeated.

The Seattle Foundation
Sept 2008- Dec 2009
Administrative Assistant; Seattle, WA (contract)
• Evaluated and performed due diligence on non-profit organizations on behalf of donors. Rich people like to give money to organizations that don’t frivolously waste their money on administrative overhead. I checked their tax records to ensure they did something besides fundraise. I was pretty good at it.
• Had I known the economy was about to nosedive I would have applied for the permanent position. I could have had health insurance. My desk was near a window. My co-workers were interesting people. There were often free sandwiches in the break room. I still kick myself for not applying for that position. I would regret it less if you gave me a job.

The New Orleans Creole Restaurant Aug 2003 – Oct 2004
Bartender, Server, Bouncer; Seattle, Washington
• Served food and drinks in this busy Pioneer Square restaurant and blues club.
• Despite being only 5’9” and 170lbs, I sometimes worked as a bouncer. Due to my incredible personal skills and calm demeanor, I was able to escort unruly customers out of the bar through gentle persuasion. This kept me from unleashing some serious whoop-ass on their drunk-asses, as is a bouncer’s legal right.
• Thanks to my high school Spanish classes, I was the translator between management and Spanish-speaking employees.

Other Employment
Certainly, you are now very impressed with just a sampling of my professional experience. Let it be known that I’ve also worked the following positions
• Oyster Farmer: Mostly I sat on the beach scraping barnacles off oysters, loading them in bags, and delivering them restaurants.
• Elderly Care Giver: Anyone who has changed the diapers of the elderly will do whatever it takes to get the job done.
• Bus Boy: When I was 19 I bussed tables for a busy steak house. Sadly, this was the high-water mark for my income. Minimum wage plus $140 a night in tips is pretty good money. I was made employee of the month after training new dishwashers following a raid by the Immigration and Naturalization Service.
• Carpenter: Remodeling houses, building fences, and a whole lot of posthole digging.
• Finish Carpenter: While refurbishing a wooden yacht, I became an expert in bright work and painting. Even though I wore a respirator, I prefer not to think of the exposure to lead paint fumes.
• Tree Hugger: I researched and produced an economic report detailing the economics of the Federal Timber Program and used it to lobby congressional representatives on National Forest use.

References available when requested.

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Filed under How Not To Write A Resume, Resume Writing, Seattle Resume

Toilet Flushers For Hire

Most job postings have extremely detailed skill-sets, but not the latest job posted by the NHL hockey team, the Pittsburgh Penguins. The one skill is: Can you flush a toilet? (article)

Can you flush?

If you answered “Yes,” then you, and 400 others, have a day’s work at their new arena. With every new arena, the toilets and urinals must be tested, and that entails the simultaneous flushing of them all. It’s more than a metaphor for the economy–it’s actual work.

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Filed under Employment, Jobs

The Joys of Job Searching

After four months of temp work, I woke up this morning unemployed. Today, there will be no data to enter.  I will not populate  the necessary fields with the requisite  information. It’s back to the job search. Anything is possible. Careers I’ve never considered are suddenly opening up like new flowers in spring.

Softball Umpire: If you enjoy enduring a barrage of insults and having your integrity questioned  by drunken weekend-warriors, the good people at Underdog Sports Leagues have a paying job for you. Umpires and referees for softball, kickball, flag football, and dodgeball leagues are in demand. You must show HUSTLE!

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Filed under Jobless Loser, Seattle Job, Unemployed

The Latest Greatest Jobs

Sifting through various job boards and help wanted ads is exhausting. That’s why Get A Job Loser will do it for you. I’m searching anyway, so let me find the best jobs for you.

1.Captain of The Duck: Sure, they’ve recently been victimized by an arson attack, but nothing can be more enjoyable than driving tourists around town, blaring bad music and harassing people with jobs that pay far more. They’re hiring. It’s $16 an hour and boating experience is required. After all, The Duck travels on land and water.

2. Balloon Twister: Basically, you make balloon animals for kids at various restaurants. You work off tips, but if the tips don’t add up to $12 an hour they’ll pay you the difference. No experience required, but there will be a thorough background check.

3. Goat Milker: This job posting has been removed from Craigslist, but I’d like to know who snatched this away from me before I could apply. It pays minimum wage and the only requirement is you have to be under 5’10.” You’re going to like the goats a lot more than you like all those annoying people muttering in the cubicles around you.

4. Mock Juror: If you enjoy getting paid for mocking things, especially for attorneys, you can get $75 per day to pretend to be a juror. Not bad.

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There Is Money To Be Found Everywhere

Free money can be found anywhere people take their hands out of their pockets or purses. An errant quarter springs from the pocket while retrieving car keys. The rush to find exact change in a coin purse causes a few pennies to spill onto the floor.

Human beings, particularly those with steady employment, are incredibly lazy. The mere thought of reaching down for a dropped nickel is itself tiring. Your willingness to bend your back, extend your arms and pick up the abandoned change could become a mildly lucrative revenue stream.

Good places include under and around:

  1. Vending machines and arcade games
  2. Parking Meters
  3. Salvation Army donation tins
  4. Curbs where cars are parked
  5. Cashier counter at shops and restaurants
  6. Drive-thru windows
  7. Stamp machines at post offices
  8. Mobile food retailers (hot dog stands, taco trucks, espresso carts, etc.)
  9. Roller coasters that turn upside down.
  10. At the entrance to buildings where people take out their keys.

Now if you are willing to throw your dignity completely to the wolves, you can also try:

  1. Wishing wells/fountains
  2. Between the cushions of couches placed on the curb
  3. Purses and clothing pockets at garage sales
  4. The sticky floor of your neighborhood peep booth.

If you’re willing to try those, then you probably won’t mind searching for loose change in the ball pit at your local Chuckecheese or fast food play-area. Spoiled children, fat on cotton candy and corn dogs tend to lose change while playing in the ball pit. The challenge is entering the pit yourself, nonchalantly, without attracting notice, and snorkeling for dimes and pennies without someone mistaking you for a pedophile. Good luck!

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Filed under Jobless Loser, Recession Proof Job

Make Money Without Leaving the House

Prior to my era of unemployment, I rarely ransacked my own home in search of scattered change. Poverty is appalling and I refuse to give up my morning latte, so recently I embarked on full-fledged coin purge of my apartment.

I’ve listed my apartments coin refuges ranked in order of most-to-least lucrative:

  1. Couch cushions ($$$).
  2. Around the washing machine–particularly if you have roommates ($$)
  3. In the backs of desk drawers ($).
  4. Behind dressers ($).
  5. Under rugs ($).
  6. In old bags, purses, backpacks ($).
  7. In the pockets of seasonal clothes ($).

This money affords me any number of things: Coffee, stamps, shares of Citibank stock, or a small bouquet of flowers as an apology to my wife who caught me digging through the pockets of her ski coat.

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Filed under Recession, Unemployed

Potential For Growth – Moustache

Many a boy born in the 1970s dreamed of one day growing a moustache. Perhaps it was born from hours spent watching Magnum P.I. get the girl and then drive off in the Ferrari.

magnum

Maybe it was from watching Dennis Eckersley shut down batters with Oakland Athletics. Or perhaps it was because the men doing things with unclothed women in those magazines found in the neighbor’s shed all had large moustaches. Who is to say where are our dreams come from?

I don’t know. But I do know who crushes those dreams in their infancy. I know who cut down the moustache tree before it could bear fruit–my wife. Perhaps, it’s because I looked– “like a disgusting pervert.” Or maybe it’s because– “everyone’s going to laugh at you.” Or perhaps because it resembled the men in those magazines or at least what they symbolize. For whatever the reason, I was forced to shave my moustache.

But I ask… If not now, then when? When will the time be so right as now? There are no job interviews scheduled in my day planner. I have the free time and necessary resources to dedicate to the cultivation of a moustache. Why must this dream whither and die?

dsc_0064

Oh… I guess that’s why.

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Filed under Jobless Loser, Unemployed