Sifting through various job boards and help wanted ads is exhausting. That’s why Get A Job Loser will do it for you. I’m searching anyway, so let me find the best jobs for you.
1.Captain of The Duck: Sure, they’ve recently been victimized by an arson attack, but nothing can be more enjoyable than driving tourists around town, blaring bad music and harassing people with jobs that pay far more. They’re hiring. It’s $16 an hour and boating experience is required. After all, The Duck travels on land and water.
2. Balloon Twister: Basically, you make balloon animals for kids at various restaurants. You work off tips, but if the tips don’t add up to $12 an hour they’ll pay you the difference. No experience required, but there will be a thorough background check.
3. Goat Milker: This job posting has been removed from Craigslist, but I’d like to know who snatched this away from me before I could apply. It pays minimum wage and the only requirement is you have to be under 5’10.” You’re going to like the goats a lot more than you like all those annoying people muttering in the cubicles around you.
4. Mock Juror: If you enjoy getting paid for mocking things, especially for attorneys, you can get $75 per day to pretend to be a juror. Not bad.
After three months of working as a temp performing data entry for a local foundation, I was given a $50 gift card and relieved of my clerical duties.
I am now a jobless loser. Unemployed.
1. Devoid of income.
2. Always available between the hours of nine and five.
3. Without purpose or reason to rouse oneself in the morning.
Essentially, I cleaned out my desk to make room for Norm, the permanent hire. He’s probably sitting at my old desk right now, enjoying the free coffee while preparing to make photocopies.
Does my life seem a tad meaningless now that I no longer face the computer monitor, busily entering the necessary data into the correct boxes? Yes. Has my self-esteem taken a hit because I no longer perform clerical work at an optimum level? Certainly. Am I of less value in the eyes of our culture now that my sole responsibility is to drive my wife to school? Definitely.
But I am not alone. For as the American economy sinks into the quagmire of recession, I know there are others out there left to forage through the classifieds like me. We are on the same path fellow travelers. We are on this journey together. This here Internet shall be our water cooler, our place to gather and be frank with one another.
But we shall not waste our hours discussing the latest American Idol contestants, nor speculating upon whom will be the victors of upcoming sports competitions. Nay.
We shall utilize the World Wide Web to the fullest. We shall better ourselves. This time in which we do not commute and lunch with our office mates will instead be spent maximizing our free time to the fullest and boosting our morale. These days without paychecks will not be unfruitful. They will not be wasted. They will be GLORIOUS!
And I will show you how…