After months of my resume failing to entice suitors, I’ve decided to focus on my career lowlights to see if that makes any difference.
The Law Offices of My Dad
-Knocked on the doors of little old ladies and grumpy jerks to hand-deliver legal documents telling them they were being sued. Sometimes I would be carrying a dog leash so it would appear like I was searching for a lost dog.
Local Restaurant #1
-As a busboy I felt no shame in eating left over appetizers from plates I cleared to compensate for not receiving free meals. Trained a whole new batch of dishwashers after the INS raided the place. This is my most lucrative job to date.
US Peace Corps
-Got drunk with the locals while living in the former Soviet Union for two years.
-Killed a chicken with an axe.
-Donated two wallets to local pickpockets.
-Learned to make wine. Drank it.
-Interviewed a republican congressman while relieving myself beside him at the urinal trough. Also interviewed the Governor, Billy Bragg, and Bill Mayer. Bill Mayer is a dick.
-Recorded the story of my failure to become a radical tree-hugger for the popular outdoor adventure podcast The Dirtbag Diaries (link).
-Proved to be about the most talented and hardworking post-hole digger in the “Over-Thirty with a Bachelors Degree” category.
-Lobbied congress to end logging in the National Forests. Logging continues.
-Sat on the beach scraping barnacles off of oysters before loading them into a pickup to deliver to area restaurants. Sometimes I threw rocks at passing submarines to amuse myself.
-Penned the unpublished classic, This Day In Bald History.
-Refurbished a really nice wooden sailboat. Received $13 per hour, and the occasional free beer and cookies. Not really enough to compensate for all the lead paint I was exposed to. Regardless, I will varnish your yacht for $25 per hour.
Local Restaurant #2
-I was the lone employee to refuse to drink on the job while bartending… until management pulled me aside and told me my refusal was making the other employees uncomfortable. Perfected the art of throwing out the unruly drag queen.
Data Entry Specialist
-Correctly populated the fields… over and over and over.
Data Entry Specialist #2
-Sometimes made mistakes while populating the fields.
Elderly Care Giver
-Changed old person’s diapers. For money.
All Around Handy Guy
-Cleaned the pool, scrubbed the porch, sprayed bees nests, delivered old appliances to charities, etc.
Mushroom Delivery Guy
-Sorted and delivered mushrooms for one day. Then the boss informed me he was going to hire his good friend instead.
-A Porche Carrera can go 0-60 mph in a parking garage. I’m not saying I did it, I’m just saying it’s possible.